Sunday, April 23, 2006

It's just one of those days where you look at your life and where it's gone. You look back at what you've been through. You look at yourself in the present. You look into the future.

And you feel so small.

It's because you see nothing. The fear of what is to come becomes immediate. I have photos to put up but I'm just not in the mood now. The new term is starting and I've only got a couple of weeks before the exams.

It's not the exams I'm worried about although I'm nowhere near prepared. But I know I'll catch up when I get my break from work nearer the exams. I've watched this Easter holidays fly past while I work in per una, willing the hands of the clock to move faster while I'm serving customers but wishing time would stop when I'm back from work. I'm worried about my future. I know it's such a truism and so cliched but I really don't know if I'll achieve my dreams.
I need to see Diego because I really miss him. He once asked if I'd ever consider spending my lifetime with him and I want to so badly but I know I have responsibilities and our lives are in no way converging. There are other men that I could be with back home, or in Singapore or even in the UK. Some who've asked me and they're what most girls would consider pretty eligible: educated, funny, good future, good family background etc etc. But I know deep down that what I really need is not a person who's super intellectual, or money, (although I acknowledge their practical importance). I love D because he's caring, kind, loving, selfless, encouraging, practical, wise, knows what's good for me and most of all, he's a person who puts being right with God as his top priority.

It's so true when they say that youth is wasted on the young. I'm being caught up in the chase, being so stressed out about my future that I keep having to remind myself to live for the present or I'll never be happy. I have to stop and smell the roses because I've only got one lifetime. All my life, I've been taught to be practical and I'm not so sure now whether that's always a good thing.

It's one thing to say that God is in control and to try with every atom in your body to believe it. It's another to actually truly see it in your life.

Sidenote: My new 'Encounter with God' series (Scripture Union-April 2006 onwards) was despatched a few days ago and I'm looking forward to receiving it soon.


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